I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just fell off a train. Bad.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
