The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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