smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
