watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
