i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
