If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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