I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
