I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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