nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
