he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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