Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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