We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
