we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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