just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
