Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
