Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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