I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
pop tarts are not kleenex
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
not ubering you a puppy
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
