I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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