Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
