Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
