god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
