You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
