last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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