i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
