you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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