everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
