please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
