I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You ever have a fart follow you around?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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