The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
