I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
