I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This is my gift to your gina
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
