I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
