I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
