I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
