So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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