you would pick up someone in the library
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We left the knife in your bed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
