mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
