It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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