There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
