The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Rumble strips road head = magical
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
