Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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