Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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