Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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