I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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