I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
