I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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