Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
