Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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