his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
