I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
