My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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